Self-Acceptance and Self-Denial

Self-acceptance is an important element in the art of living well. We must all learn to accept ourselves as who we are, and not as who we wish we were. We must never cherish unrealistic expectations of ourselves, which may lead to low self-esteem. In other words, a perfectionist, ironically enough, may become more easily susceptible to the ultimate lack of self-esteem, which is often expressed in depression.

The bottom line: if you cannot accept yourself as who you are in spite of your imperfections and shortcomings, how can you accept others as who they are? If you do not love yourself as who you are, how can you love others as who they are? Therefore, self-acceptance holds the key to having better relationships with others, which is often the source of human happiness.

Comparison and contrast

There was an ancient Chinese fable of a stonecutter who worked so hard cutting stones that he often felt stressed and depressed.

 One day, while standing behind a huge stone where he was cutting his stones, he looked up at the sky, and saw the beautiful sun. Then, he wished he were the sun that could give warmth and sunshine to everyone on earth. A fairy came to him and granted him his wish, so he became the sun.

For a while, he was happy and contented. Then, one day, a big cloud came over, blocked out everything from his view, and he could not see what was below. He became distressed and unhappy, and wished he were the cloud, instead of the sun. Again, the fairy came to his rescue, and granted him his wish. He became the cloud, and began drifting and floating happily and peacefully in the sky.

After a while, a strong wind came and scattered the cloud in different directions. Now, he wished he were the strong wind that could blow away anything and everything that stood in his way. Again, the fairy made his wish come true: he became the strong wind, blowing here and there. For a while, he was happy and contented.

 Then, one day, he found out that he could not blow away the big stone behind which he used to cut stones. Worse, he was stuck there, going nowhere. Now, finally, he began to realize that was where he belonged. He made his one last wish to become the stonecutter that he used to be. The fairy granted him his last wish, and now he was contented to be the stonecutter again.

 The moral of the fable: any comparison and contrast between the self and others—or even between the current self and the self in the past—is often a stumbling block to self-contentment, the lack of which will direct one's thoughts inward and generate depression. Indeed, if you are discontent with what you have or what you are, while matching an area of your own deficiency with that of someone else’s obvious strength, you are in fact preparing the groundwork for your own depression. It is just that simple.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau